Complaint Overload
I have a friend who does nothing but complain about her job and her life and though we have been good friends for years, I can’t stand listening to her anymore. I keep hoping it will change but for now I am avoiding her calls. Any thoughts?
- Not the complaint department
Just as “gossip” is often a shorthand way to establish a quick “on the inside” connection with someone, complaining can be a call for sympathy. When gossiping goes on and on, you begin to wonder what the gossiper says about you when you’re not there. And when complaining goes on and on, you start to feel more sorry for yourself than the complainer – because you are stuck listening.
Complainers are rarely looking for advice. More often than not they are venting and by gaining your agreement, they feel better because they are validated. In a long term friendship that has deteriorated, complaining may be your friend’s way to get the two of you connected again- to a level of closeness that you once shared, but no longer do. In one of life’s ironies, it drives you away; it doesn’t bring you closer.
I wonder if you’ve spoken to her about this, and if not, why not. Are you afraid to have the conversation or is it that you just don’t care anymore? There may not be a one size fits all solution to your situation, but here are some things to consider:
- Cut Back on Listening: Continue to be a supportive friend, but set limits. For example, make up your mind to listen for only e.g. 10 minutes, not the usual hour. By setting boundaries you’ll be less annoyed and get a better read on your friendship dynamics.
- Talk to Her About It: Although you are acutely tuned into your friend’s complaining, she may be clueless. If you still care about knowing her, find the courage to let her know the toll it is taking on your friendship. Her reaction in words and deed may provide you with closure.
- Assess Whether You’ve Moved On: You and your friend may have outgrown the basis for your friendship but don’t let go because of the bond you once shared. This is common when one co-worker moves on to a new job and no longer cares to hear griping about his former employer. If the basis for your friendship is gone but you are afraid to let go, idle chatter and complaining may have taken over to fill the void. What do you think?
- Would You Be Friends If You Met Today? As time marches on, people change. If you met your friend today, would you want to know her better or would you size her up as a complainer and avoid her?
If I had any feeling left for this friend, I’d find a way to let her know how I felt. Especially in long term friendships, I’ve found that a heartfelt conversations can open new doors. I have been surprised and grateful when friendships I thought were over, got new life when the air was cleared on something like this. I’ve also learned that my behavior needed tending as well.
Just as it’s tough to give away old clothes you’ve loved but know you’ll never wear again, it’s tough to say goodbye to a once treasured friend. But once you move on, you have more time and energy to explore and nurture friendships that have meaning for who you are now. Decide what you want to do and then do it!
Did you enjoy this post? Why not leave a comment below and continue the conversation, or subscribe to my feed and get articles like this delivered automatically to your feed reader.
Comments
No comments yet.
Leave a comment