My boyfriend doesn’t always follow through when we make casual plans likemeeting for coffee. When I show and he doesn’t, he thinks I’m too rigid. I think he is rude. What do you think? —Signed: Left Hanging

Dear Left Hanging:

I think actions speak louder than words. And that is my rule of thumb when guaging behavior. In my heart of hearts I also think it is a lack of real caring or a form of manipulation to keep you guessing. Either way – it would drive me batty. I’m a straight shooter and unreliable is a trait I don’t do well with.

The classic response from the self-help books is that he doesn’t respect you or your time etc. I just think it’s rude and if it happens a lot, move on. You definitely deserve a man you can count on. If he’s MIA for the small stuff, what do you build on?

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>I have a friend who always asks me what she should do? It’s getting to be too much… Signed: Enough Alreadyblockquote>

Dear Enough Already -
A good friend once reminded me that everything in life is fleeting. No doubt you too had a time in your own life when you asked your friends over and over whether you should cut bangs, break up with your boyfriend or quite your job before you get a new one. Bouts of indecision come and go. Usually we are working something out, trying to create change in our life or seeking a reality check from those we count as friends.

Set limits on when you’ll have your “doctor is in” sign up. She may know the answer deep down and not want to admit it. hell sometimes we all just get weary from having to take care of ourselves all the time. Who doesn’t want to foist a tough decision on someone else rather than be responsible for it. Doesn’t it just seem easier at times for someone to just tell us what to do?

Give your firend support, but don’t put pressure on yourself for whatever’s stressing her. She’s gotta work it out and if it’s getting on your nerves – a little straight talk may be in order.

I have a friend who does nothing but complain about her job and her life and though we have been good friends for years,  I can’t stand listening to her anymore. I keep hoping it will change but for now I am avoiding her calls. Any thoughts?

               - Not the complaint department

Just as “gossip” is often a shorthand way to establish a quick “on the inside” connection with someone, complaining can be a call for sympathy. When gossiping goes on and on, you begin to wonder what the gossiper says about you when you’re not there. And when complaining goes on and on, you start to feel more sorry for yourself than the complainer – because you are stuck listening.

Complainers are rarely looking for advice. More often than not they are venting and by gaining your agreement, they feel better because they are validated. In a long term friendship that has deteriorated, complaining may be your friend’s way to get the two of you connected again- to a level of closeness that you once shared, but no longer do. In one of life’s ironies, it drives you away; it doesn’t bring you closer.

I wonder if you’ve spoken to her about this, and if not, why not. Are you afraid to have the conversation or is it that you just don’t care anymore? There may not be a one size fits all solution to your situation, but here are some things to consider:

• Cut Back on Listening: Continue to be a supportive friend, but set limits. For example, make up your mind to listen for only  e.g. 10 minutes, not the usual hour. By setting boundaries you’ll be less annoyed and get a better read on your friendship dynamics.

• Talk to Her About It: Although you are acutely tuned into your friend’s complaining, she may be clueless. If you still care about knowing her, find the courage to let her know the toll it is taking on your friendship. Her reaction in words and deed may provide you with closure.

• Assess Whether You’ve Moved On:  You and your friend may have outgrown the basis for your friendship but don’t let go because of the bond you once shared. This is common when one co-worker moves on to a new job and no longer cares to hear griping about his  former employer.  If the basis for your friendship is gone but you are afraid to let go, idle chatter and complaining may have taken over to fill the void. What do you think?

• Would You Be Friends If You Met Today? As time marches on, people change. If you met your friend today, would you want to know her better or would you size her up as a complainer and avoid her?

If I had any feeling left for this friend, I’d find a way to let her know how I felt. Especially in long term friendships, I’ve found that a heartfelt conversations can open new doors. I have been surprised and grateful when friendships I thought were over, got new life when the air was cleared on something like this. I’ve also learned that my behavior needed tending as well.

Just as it’s tough to give away old clothes you’ve loved but know you’ll never wear again, it’s tough to say goodbye to a once treasured friend. But once you move on, you have more time and energy to explore and nurture friendships that have meaning for who you are now.  Decide what you want to do and then do it!

I have done a lot of planting around my condo unit and my dog walking neighbors thoughtlessly let their dogs pee on the flowers, causing them to die. I am getting angrier about this but am not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

I think even pet lovers would agree that it’s not right to let dogs harm someone else’s property. My hope is that your neighbors don’t understand the damage that the pet urine does to your plants.  But whether they are ignorant, or just thoughtless selfish boors, I think a simple sign that says “Keep Pets Off Please” should do it.  Also, when you’re outside gardening, if you see neighbors walking their dogs, let them know in a friendly way about the problem.  Since everyone gets to experience the beauty of your garden, they too may want to preserve it.

How can I bring about positive change in my work place to make my company better? My boss has been there 20 years and is resistant to ANY change. As a result there is no progress. I can’t tell if the pathological fear of change is coming from her or her boss…but the bottom line…we look stale!!!!

Dear Frustrated,

I’m a firm believer in being in sync with one’s workplace.  It’s great if you can be the person who shakes things up, but  if you’ve been there a while and things are still stagnant it’s likely that the powers that be want it that way. I’ve worked at companies both large and small and as an idealist I had the catbird seat for observations like yours.  Take it from me, unless a clear change in leadership is in the offing, you are likely going to remain frustrated because you are aware and know that change would improve things. 

I wish I could just advise you to get another job, but today that is easier said than done, no matter who you are. Until you find a better work environment, you might consider implementing changes subtly and gradually.  I remember when I was trying to change my life, but somehow inwardly resistant, a wise friend told me to just make little changes. She suggested things like driving to the store a different way, wearing a style of clothing that I wouldn’t normally wear,  and even trying a different brand of ketchup.  Maybe this approach will work for you – maybe not. I discovered after 35 years that I liked another brand of ketchup better than the one I’d been using.

Good luck!

I have a close friend who comes at the drop of a hat to help me with air-conditioning problems. He won’t take payment, which makes me feel uncomfortable. What should I do?

It’s always a bit dicey when it comes to accepting “services” from friends. How much is too much? When are you taking advantage? Can you reciprocate in any way?  Here are some things to think about:

•  If you can reciprocate with services of your own, that’s often the easiest – the non-cash exchange.
• If your friend has a tendency to over do “giving” be mindful of a “martyr” syndrome developing on his end. That’s what you want to avoid because it will create hidden tensions in your friendship.
• If you feel uncomfortable because you can’t reciprocate and will always be “taking,” you should settle on a “friends rate” and let your friend know that this is important to you.
• Let your friend know that you may have to call another person to do the work – if that will help you not feel “uncomfortable.”

This is often a tough road to navigate – because it brings behind the scenes issues like being/feeling taken advantage of, feeding martyr feelings in the giver and feeding “owing” feelings in the receiver. It’s best to keep relationships clean and if an exchange of cash helps you feel ok, then insist on paying your friend.

What are the top 5 things I could do to market my new product without a marketing budget?

Dear Marketing Challenged: 

You have asked the number one question – that is aside from how to lose weight without dieting or exercise.  In today’s era of overabundant information and too many choices, I would recommend you start simple.  When a business is new or starting out – there is often no marketing budget.  Instead there is what a dear friend of mine calls “guerilla marketing.”  In short, you do everything you can to get attention for your product – in ways that don’t cost money.  The point is to get word out – to generate enough interest so people can see what you’re about and then spread the word.  Here are five tips that have worked for me when I’m up against no cost marketing:

(1) Make a list of everyone you know who through their personal or business connections may care about your product.  With as much personal contact as possible, let them know about the product and how to find more information (e.g. your website) or get a sample (if it makes sense.) Take your pool of acquaintences up a notch and add to your list any potential sources of business from school directories, business associations etc. Especially consider trade associations that may be relevant to your product or industry. Let them know you’re out there. Email is easy and affordable. Be careful to not be sending spam.

(2) Contact local stores or businesses that may be interested in your product. Don’t forget the local library. Let them know who may be interested in your product and offer to do a demonstration, program, free give away to help them and you.

(3) Get friendly with local media (e.g. newspaper, radio program etc.) and let them know about you and your product. Get them excited and interested about hometown girl/guy making good – seeking the American dream.  Articles and programs that talk about you and your product are forms of advertising that the best marketing budgets can’t buy.

(4) Give away plenty of samples and start recording positive testimonials to use on your website or advertising. Nothing sells better than someone else saying how great your product is!

(5) Stay enthusiastic whereever you go and with whoever you meet – about your product and even you.  Most goods and services are bought on a personal level because people buy into you.  If you talk up your product - and make it as enticing as possible - it’s like you’re baiting a hook to lure in a fish.  No bait – no catch.

Bait as many hooks as you can and keep an eye on your lines.  By expanding your pool of acquaintenances and those interested in your product, you are maximizing your marketing – even without a big budget.  I believe that the energy you put out – will yield results even if you can’t anticipate the particulars. If you do nothing, you will get nothing – so take action and think creatively about how to get others interested in your product.   Getting the word out is what matters most. And capturing positive feedback in testimonials can help with “viral marketing,” – i.e., spreading the word.